Love Worth Making | Stephen Snyder

Summary of: Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship
By: Stephen Snyder


In ‘Love Worth Making’, Stephen Snyder demystifies the elusive nature of arousal and presents valuable insights on how to nurture your sexual self for a more fulfilling sex life within a long-lasting relationship. Snyder’s recipe for great sex goes beyond ‘friction plus fantasy’ and explores the key psychological changes that happen when we’re truly aroused. Learn the ‘rules of the heart’ that help create the conditions for arousal to thrive, why sex should never feel like work, how power play and desire impact our sexual experiences, and how understanding and addressing remote causes can help couples reconnect and reignite their passion.

Secrets to Finding True Arousal

Arousal cannot be simplified as “friction plus fantasy.” The feeling of true arousal is something more elusive, and cultivating the ideal conditions for it to thrive requires an understanding of the rules of the heart. These rules exist in a realm of genuine connection and authenticity. Reaching true arousal is possible once you’ve learned how to nurture your sexual self. It’s marked not by lust, but by gratitude and awe. You’re responsible for your own arousal, and it’s important to understand that the sexual self is very honest, limited to “yes” or “no.” Carmen’s story highlights the importance of acceptance, as it’s essential for the sexual self to be happy.

Embracing Our Sexual Selves

Our sexual selves are like children, vulnerable and selfish. By embracing this, we can better understand our sexual dilemmas. Feeling neglected as a child often leads to fantasies in adulthood. The key message here is to let sex feel natural and easy rather than forced. Generosity in bed is admirable, but passion and sexual selfishness are what gives most of us pleasure.

Pursuing Desire

The book discusses how the differences in erotic desires between men and women can cause problems in straight couples. Women want to feel pursued and desired, and most prefer men to initiate sexual advances. The author recommends educating male partners on the importance of feeling desired instead of resorting to manipulation. Simmering, a technique to maintain an erotic climate in a relationship, is also suggested. In heterosexual relationships, men should simmer their partners more often to demonstrate desire and pursue their partners.

Untangling the Knots of Sexual Intimacy

Many people assume that male sexual response is a simple and automatic process; however, it is far more complex. This complexity is further complicated in the context of a relationship. The author recounts David and Gwen’s case who came for help. They had found themselves in a sexual conundrum where despite being physically attracted to each other, they could not initiate sex anymore. The author calls this a “sex knot,” a situation that arises when our sexual selves don’t respond the way we want them to, and we react in ways that make it worse. In David and Gwen’s case, Gwen’s criticism towards David became a vicious cycle, leading him to withdraw, which made Gwen criticize him even more, and this continued until the worst stage of their “sex knot.” The key message is to be able to identify this “sex knot” and approach it to be able to reconnect and try new methods. To solve the issue, David learned to listen to Gwen instead of running away. In the process, they found out that they had many common topics to discuss, and Gwen didn’t criticize David’s faults, which eventually helped improve their relationship.

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