The Connected Child | Karyn Purvis

Summary of: The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family
By: Karyn Purvis


In ‘The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family’, Karyn Purvis explores the importance of understanding the backgrounds of at-risk children and providing them with the support they need. The book emphasizes the role a child’s early experiences play in their development, attachment, and communication skills. By addressing these developmental gaps, adoptive and foster parents can help their children to heal, feel safe, and create meaningful relationships. Through practical advice, the book offers guidance in navigating difficult situations, building trust, promoting healthy brain chemistry, nurturing self-confidence, and fostering a strong bond with the child.

The Impact of Early Childhood Experiences

A child’s environment during the first years of life has a critical impact on their development. Louise, born into a loving family, has her needs met which allows for proper growth and learning experiences. On the other hand, Donnie, raised in an orphanage under deplorable conditions, missed vital early developmental stages which will affect him for life. To support at-risk children, authority figures need to understand their histories and what challenges they have faced. Adoptive parents, in particular, must recognize any specific deprivations their children have experienced. Chronic stress, substance abuse, and traumatic events impact brain function and can lead to difficulty forming healthy attachments. To mitigate these challenges, it is essential to provide support and understanding, even for seemingly “normal” appearing children who may carry invisible scars of abuse or neglect. Ultimately, by understanding the impact of early life experiences, we can provide adequate support for children to heal and grow.

Fostering Felt Safety in Adopted Children

Adopted children require reassurance and a sense of safety to ease their fear response caused by past trauma. The fight-or-flight mode in their brains gets activated, which leads to confrontational or withdrawn behavior. Parents must cultivate felt safety by building trust and allowing children to interact with their environment. By giving them control, parents can eradicate the fear response and equip children to thrive in their new environment.

Communication Skills for Adoptive Parents

Communication is a crucial skill that at-risk children often do not learn. Adoptive parents play a critical role in teaching good communication skills to their children. The first step is establishing eye contact, followed by modeling appropriate tone of voice and body language. Parents should also encourage turn-taking and using words to express feelings. Teaching communication skills is an opportunity to instill family values such as respect and conflict resolution. By doing so, parents empower their children with the tools to navigate the social world.

Teaching Kids with Behavioral Problems

Traditional methods of disciplining “at-risk” children often backfire, so it’s important to adopt different tactics. Instead of relying on harsh punishments or lectures, parents can calmly establish clear boundaries and expectations. They can also offer do-overs to encourage positive behavior, and provide “time-ins” so the child does not feel abandoned. Adopted or fostered children may have abandonment issues, which is why parents must always let them know that they are on their side, even during conflicts.

Preparing Kids for Stressful Situations

As parents, we can reduce the pressure and conflict of high-stress situations by planning ahead and providing structure. For instance, a trip to the supermarket can be a daunting experience for children used to going hungry, so setting expectations beforehand on appropriate behavior and assigning them a few items to choose can help avoid tussles over what to buy. Bedtime can also be a source of conflict, but creating a good routine with clear lead-up signals and calming activities can help alleviate stress. By providing regularity and predictability in their lives, children can feel competent and secure, which is especially crucial for at-risk kids.

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